A Blog About Nothing

I’m having a severe case of blogger’s block this week.  Hopefully, my brain is just a little foggy after coming down from 14,000 feet but I’m afraid it may be something else.

I’m starting to realize there are only so many interesting ways to get people to care that I went for a run, lifted some weights, dove in for a swim, or hammered a bike ride. 

Let me correct that… I’m pretty sure there are exactly 0 ways to get people to care.  I have proof.  I’ve tried 30 times over the last 8 months. 

On the other hand, maybe I’m being a little hard on myself.  After all, I have very convincing evidence that my parents read all of my blog posts.  A case could be made that I’m generating substantial “grass roots” buzz…one family member at a time. 

My mom and dad aren’t just reading either…they’re incredibly engaged.  As an example, check out the obvious enthusiasm from some of my Dad’s (unedited) responses to my previous posts:

Michael,

Today's error:
   "Follow my brother and I live"
should be
   "Follow my brother and me live"

Dad

----------------------------------------------

Michael,

Stating the obvious: When you compute percentile, there is a big difference between comparing to only men and comparing to all entrants.

Dad

-----------------------------------------------

Michael,

Thanks for the event information.

Dad

As you can see, my dad can barely control his excitement so I need to get another post up ASAP.  The show must go on.  I must write my 31^st update.  The only problem is I have nothing to write about.

Now, many people might let a minor issue like not having a topic stop them from writing.  Me?  No way.  I can blog about nothing. 

Seinfeld laid the groundwork for this concept so how tough can it be?  If George and Jerry can do a show about nothing, I should be able to blog about nothing.  All I have to do is pretend Jerry is here with me and make up a script to get my “nothing” juices flowing.

JERRY:   “Schmeis, what are you doing?”

SCHMEIS:  “Nothing.”

JERRY:  “You have to be doing something.”

SCHMEIS:  “I’m really doing nothing.” 

JERRY:  “Talking about doing nothing is doing something.”

SCHMEIS:  “I wasn’t talking about doing nothing.”

JERRY:  “Is that a double negative?”

SCHMEIS:  “Is what a double negative?  Doing nothing?”

JERRY: “No, not talking about doing nothing.”

SCHMEIS:  “I think you just went triple negative.  Was that your goal?”

JERRY:  “Goal?  Please don’t try to tie this into your stupid blog.”

SCHMEIS:  “Well, I need to write about something.”

JERRY:  “Write about what you’re doing now…nothing.”

SCHMEIS:  “I’m not doing nothing.  I’m thinking about writing something.”

JERRY:  “That should be your post…that’s the blog post.”

SCHMEIS:  “I’d rather just go back to doing nothing.”

Fine, I guess I’ll listen to Jerry and write a blog post about nothing.  It will give me something to do while I’m doing nothing.  

Before continuing, I need to assume my “doing nothing” position.  Every man has a “doing nothing” position and this is mine.

There really isn’t anything better than sitting in my chair after a long week of work and doing nothing.  There will be no workout today.  My body aches from doing too much something so I need a day of nothing.  Feet up, blanket tucked around me, room temp at 72 degrees…perfect for doing nothing.

Ok, now what?  I kind of feel like doing something.  Can you do something while still doing nothing?  What activities qualify as doing something while still doing nothing?

Hmmm…how about checking my heart rate?  That’s sort of doing something while doing nothing.  Looks like I’m at 49 beats per minute…not bad for doing nothing.  I’ve been fluctuating between upper 40s and lower 50s for awhile now but still down huge from the 60s when I started.   I guess all the something the last few months has improved my cardio from when I was doing nothing.

What else is there?  TV!  That’s the most obvious way to do something while doing nothing.  Where’s my remote?  How is it possible that the remote is never reachable for me when I'm doing nothing? 

Is there anything worse than doing nothing and having to get up to do something?  Since I’m doing an Ironman in 2 months I can probably stand up and get the remote, but I’m definitely not happy about needing to do something.

Ok, I got the remote and am ready to do nothing.  Let’s turn on the tube and see if Tiger is playing.  Nice!  Golf should keep me entertained and give me something to do while I do nothing. 

COMMENTATOR:  “Tiger may be the world’s first 1 Billion dollar athlete.” 

In my attempt to find more things to do while doing nothing, let's try to grasp the true size of the number 1 Billion with one quick question:

Have I had more or less than 1 Billion heart beats in my lifetime?

Hey, that’s a pretty cool question for someone to ponder while sitting around doing nothing. 

Obviously, I could calculate it quickly but that would require I do something.  I’m guessing I’ve had way less than 1 Billion.   What do you think?  

I can’t take the suspense anymore…let’s do some quick math.  I’m good at math so this should be like doing nothing. 

My current HR is 49 beats per minute.  Obviously, it has fluctuated throughout my life with it being lower when I do nothing and higher when I do something.  I’ll gross my current HR up by 10% and use that as my average.  Here goes:

Avg HR (53.9 beats/min) * 60 min/hour *24 hours/day *365 days/year * 35.082 years =

994 Million

Holy coincidence Batman!  I’m only 6 million heart beats away from reaching 1 Billion.   At my current pace, I’ve got about 2 months before I hit the milestone. 

Wait a sec, there is a chance my 1 Billionth heart beat will take place during my Ironman!  

This doing nothing is really turning into something! 

Ok, Tiger, what else do you have for me?  Does anyone remember the Nike commercial with Tiger juggling the golf ball on his club?  

As the story goes, Tiger was just messing around doing nothing in between takes and the crew was so mesmerized watching him do something that it became the idea for the commercial.  Check it out.

Ha, I love it.  That commercial is also the inspiration for “juggle golf ball on face of club for 20 seconds” appearing on my list of 35.  

In golf, there is a lot of waiting around doing nothing.  Bouncing a ball off your club is a good way to do something while doing nothing on the course.  Hey, that fits right in!  Let’s see how I do:

 

I did it...Goal #10!  I decided not to go for the full swing at the end like Tiger.  Sue said some nonsense about being worried about the windows or something.

I went from reclining in my chair, to checking my HR, to getting my remote, to turning on the TV, to seeing Tiger, to hearing about him becoming a $1 Billion athlete, to thinking about whether I've had 1 Billion heart beats in my life, to watching Tiger juggle a golf ball on his club, to completing another of my 35 goals….all while doing nothing.

If you think it’s hard to get people to care about something, try making them care about nothing.

10 down, 25 to go. 

Schmeis

Schmeis vs. Wild: Survival at 14,433 feet

Through the first 7 months of 2012, I’ve become like a walking CrossFit advertisement.  I’ve accomplished goals around bench pressing, pull-ups, jump roping, cycling, swimming, juggling, Triathlons, and half-court shots.  Hey, it all sounds pretty impressive when I put it like that!

Unfortunately though, that’s not the full story.  Like any good ad campaign, what I said is true, but some important info has been left out.  You know, like the fact I’ve only achieved 8 of my 35 goals with less than 5 months remaining in the year.  Shit.  Seeing that in writing sucks. 

Anyway, I obviously have quite the trek in front of me.  So what do you do when you have a long way to go?  You start walking!

That’s exactly what I decided to do.  Now seemed liked the perfect time to attempt my 9^th aspiration of “climbing/hiking a mountain > 14,000 feet” as it was precisely what I needed both physically and symbolically to get back on track. 

With that decision, I booked vacation from work and headed west to visit my parents in Colorado.  On the plane, some quick research revealed there are 54 mountains in the state that reach greater than 14,000 feet above sea level.  It wasn’t hard for me to decide which to attack…I was going BIG!  I chose to attempt to reach the summit of Mt. Elbert, the tallest mountain in Colorado and 2nd highest in the US (if you don’t count Alaska which has many more). 

My attempt started the same way many of my goals have begun this year…with the annoying BEEP, BEEP, BEEP of my alarm clock.   I’m not sure what my goals will be in 2013, but please remind me not to set many that require ridiculously early 3:30am wakeup calls. 

After some quick breakfast, my parents and I hopped in the car and made the 90 minute drive to the base of Mt. Elbert.  It’s located just south of Leadville, Colorado which incidentally is the highest incorporated city in the US at an elevation of 10,152 feet. 

Anyway, at 5:15am we arrived at the trail head, checked our gear one last time, and set off on the hike in darkness.

 The adventure is ~12 miles round trip and is fairly steep the whole way.  No rope or mountain climbing gear is required, but it’s definitely not trivial.  The start of the trail is around 9500 feet above sea level with the summit almost 5000 feet higher at 14,433.

There could be bears, rattle snakes, mountain goats, steep drops, inclement weather, and a number of other potential barriers keeping me from my goal.  It was likely I would have to rely on all my Discovery Channel training to survive.  “What would Bear Grylls do?” would become the lingering question in my head as the day progressed.  

Of course, my mom and dad were hiking with me so maybe I’m slightly exaggerating the danger but shut up and let me tell the story.

One of the first things we had to do was figure out which way to go.  I remember several “Man vs. Wild” episodes where Bear used a combination of sun position, wind speed, magnetic forces, and other aspects of nature to determine his course.  I decided to just use the arrow on the sign that said Mt. Elbert was to the left.

With directions solidified, we forged ahead.  We crossed streams, climbed over rocks, hopped logs, and traversed our way up the mountain.  Check out my parents...they're true mountaineers...

Along the way, we came across some amazing views.  Luckily, all the Colorado wild fires didn’t touch the picturesque landscape surrounding Mt. Elbert so I was able to take in the scenery and truly free my mind of life’s hassles.

After a couple of hours, we reached the first significant milestone:  climbing above tree line.  As its name implies, tree line is the elevation at which trees no longer grow.   At roughly 12,000 feet, we had made it to this marker but still had another 2500 vertical feet to climb to the top.  You can see in the pic the obvious lack of trees once we cleared the ones in the background...

With no trees for cover, it got hot very quickly.  I was hiking in a t-shirt and was very warm for awhile...

With shear determination, we pressed onward and upward one painful step at a time for the next few hours.  A couple of times I thought I saw the summit but then got to the top only to realize the "real" mountain was behind what I thought was the peak.  That's not a good feeling.  

Our goal was to reach the summit before 11am.  Reaching and descending from summit before lunch is a good idea as heavy winds and thunderstorms usually hit in the afternoon.  With no trees for cover, a human is pretty much the tallest thing around which means a prime target for lightning.  Even if there is no lightning, it can get very cold with heavy rains and hail making for a miserable experience. 

Anyway, it turns out that after about 5.5 hours of hiking, I reached the summit!  Check out some pics...

Goal #9 achieved!  Nice...and don't think I forgot about the video evidence...



Of course, I hadn’t really considered that I also had to get back down which is easier said than done.  So much energy is spent getting to the top that it’s easy to forget about the roughly 4 hour hike still remaining.

This mistake almost proved costly as I was running dangerously low on water and there was still a ways to go to get down the mountain...

Thankfully, I remembered what Bear Grylls did in the desert when he was dehydrated…he simply drank his own pee.  Here is some video of me drinking my own pee to survive:

Ok, that was a joke.  I guarantee you would have watched that though.  I really should have made a video of me “filling” my water bottle and then chugging out of it.  That would have been amazing.  I really blew a fantastic opportunity with that.

Anyway, instead of taking in my bodily fluids, I decided it would probably be easier and less disgusting just to drink some of my mom’s water.  With my hydration problem solved, we continued the long journey down Elbert.

There were times of distress (ok, so I had a blister, but I count that as distressful), there were times of panic (hey, you’d panic too if you dropped your phone and thought it might have broke), and there were times where civilization seemed so far away (well, if I ignored the trail signs).

Finally, after nearly 9 hours of hiking and uncertainty of my survival, I came across a sign of life…footprints. 

I thought one final time about my Discovery Channel learnings:  

Where there are footprints, there are shoes.  Where there are shoes, there are people.  Where there are people, there are restaurants.  Where there are restaurants, there are Papa John’s...and where there are Papa John’s, there should be pizza waiting for me. 

...and with that, my survival was guaranteed.  I was going to live to tell about achieving my 9^th Schmeis35for35 goal of the year.

Schmeis