A Blog About Nothing

I’m having a severe case of blogger’s block this week.  Hopefully, my brain is just a little foggy after coming down from 14,000 feet but I’m afraid it may be something else.

I’m starting to realize there are only so many interesting ways to get people to care that I went for a run, lifted some weights, dove in for a swim, or hammered a bike ride. 

Let me correct that… I’m pretty sure there are exactly 0 ways to get people to care.  I have proof.  I’ve tried 30 times over the last 8 months. 

On the other hand, maybe I’m being a little hard on myself.  After all, I have very convincing evidence that my parents read all of my blog posts.  A case could be made that I’m generating substantial “grass roots” buzz…one family member at a time. 

My mom and dad aren’t just reading either…they’re incredibly engaged.  As an example, check out the obvious enthusiasm from some of my Dad’s (unedited) responses to my previous posts:

Michael,

Today's error:
   "Follow my brother and I live"
should be
   "Follow my brother and me live"

Dad

----------------------------------------------

Michael,

Stating the obvious: When you compute percentile, there is a big difference between comparing to only men and comparing to all entrants.

Dad

-----------------------------------------------

Michael,

Thanks for the event information.

Dad

As you can see, my dad can barely control his excitement so I need to get another post up ASAP.  The show must go on.  I must write my 31^st update.  The only problem is I have nothing to write about.

Now, many people might let a minor issue like not having a topic stop them from writing.  Me?  No way.  I can blog about nothing. 

Seinfeld laid the groundwork for this concept so how tough can it be?  If George and Jerry can do a show about nothing, I should be able to blog about nothing.  All I have to do is pretend Jerry is here with me and make up a script to get my “nothing” juices flowing.

JERRY:   “Schmeis, what are you doing?”

SCHMEIS:  “Nothing.”

JERRY:  “You have to be doing something.”

SCHMEIS:  “I’m really doing nothing.” 

JERRY:  “Talking about doing nothing is doing something.”

SCHMEIS:  “I wasn’t talking about doing nothing.”

JERRY:  “Is that a double negative?”

SCHMEIS:  “Is what a double negative?  Doing nothing?”

JERRY: “No, not talking about doing nothing.”

SCHMEIS:  “I think you just went triple negative.  Was that your goal?”

JERRY:  “Goal?  Please don’t try to tie this into your stupid blog.”

SCHMEIS:  “Well, I need to write about something.”

JERRY:  “Write about what you’re doing now…nothing.”

SCHMEIS:  “I’m not doing nothing.  I’m thinking about writing something.”

JERRY:  “That should be your post…that’s the blog post.”

SCHMEIS:  “I’d rather just go back to doing nothing.”

Fine, I guess I’ll listen to Jerry and write a blog post about nothing.  It will give me something to do while I’m doing nothing.  

Before continuing, I need to assume my “doing nothing” position.  Every man has a “doing nothing” position and this is mine.

There really isn’t anything better than sitting in my chair after a long week of work and doing nothing.  There will be no workout today.  My body aches from doing too much something so I need a day of nothing.  Feet up, blanket tucked around me, room temp at 72 degrees…perfect for doing nothing.

Ok, now what?  I kind of feel like doing something.  Can you do something while still doing nothing?  What activities qualify as doing something while still doing nothing?

Hmmm…how about checking my heart rate?  That’s sort of doing something while doing nothing.  Looks like I’m at 49 beats per minute…not bad for doing nothing.  I’ve been fluctuating between upper 40s and lower 50s for awhile now but still down huge from the 60s when I started.   I guess all the something the last few months has improved my cardio from when I was doing nothing.

What else is there?  TV!  That’s the most obvious way to do something while doing nothing.  Where’s my remote?  How is it possible that the remote is never reachable for me when I'm doing nothing? 

Is there anything worse than doing nothing and having to get up to do something?  Since I’m doing an Ironman in 2 months I can probably stand up and get the remote, but I’m definitely not happy about needing to do something.

Ok, I got the remote and am ready to do nothing.  Let’s turn on the tube and see if Tiger is playing.  Nice!  Golf should keep me entertained and give me something to do while I do nothing. 

COMMENTATOR:  “Tiger may be the world’s first 1 Billion dollar athlete.” 

In my attempt to find more things to do while doing nothing, let's try to grasp the true size of the number 1 Billion with one quick question:

Have I had more or less than 1 Billion heart beats in my lifetime?

Hey, that’s a pretty cool question for someone to ponder while sitting around doing nothing. 

Obviously, I could calculate it quickly but that would require I do something.  I’m guessing I’ve had way less than 1 Billion.   What do you think?  

I can’t take the suspense anymore…let’s do some quick math.  I’m good at math so this should be like doing nothing. 

My current HR is 49 beats per minute.  Obviously, it has fluctuated throughout my life with it being lower when I do nothing and higher when I do something.  I’ll gross my current HR up by 10% and use that as my average.  Here goes:

Avg HR (53.9 beats/min) * 60 min/hour *24 hours/day *365 days/year * 35.082 years =

994 Million

Holy coincidence Batman!  I’m only 6 million heart beats away from reaching 1 Billion.   At my current pace, I’ve got about 2 months before I hit the milestone. 

Wait a sec, there is a chance my 1 Billionth heart beat will take place during my Ironman!  

This doing nothing is really turning into something! 

Ok, Tiger, what else do you have for me?  Does anyone remember the Nike commercial with Tiger juggling the golf ball on his club?  

As the story goes, Tiger was just messing around doing nothing in between takes and the crew was so mesmerized watching him do something that it became the idea for the commercial.  Check it out.

Ha, I love it.  That commercial is also the inspiration for “juggle golf ball on face of club for 20 seconds” appearing on my list of 35.  

In golf, there is a lot of waiting around doing nothing.  Bouncing a ball off your club is a good way to do something while doing nothing on the course.  Hey, that fits right in!  Let’s see how I do:

 

I did it...Goal #10!  I decided not to go for the full swing at the end like Tiger.  Sue said some nonsense about being worried about the windows or something.

I went from reclining in my chair, to checking my HR, to getting my remote, to turning on the TV, to seeing Tiger, to hearing about him becoming a $1 Billion athlete, to thinking about whether I've had 1 Billion heart beats in my life, to watching Tiger juggle a golf ball on his club, to completing another of my 35 goals….all while doing nothing.

If you think it’s hard to get people to care about something, try making them care about nothing.

10 down, 25 to go. 

Schmeis