Extra Credit: A 36th Achievement!

I apologize that it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last update.  After all the cramping at the end of my half Ironman, I think I was worried that even moving my fingers to type might kill me.

Anyway, it’s nearly Memorial Day and the good news is I’m fully recovered.  The bad news is I’ve only accomplished a mind bogglingly low 5 of my 35 goals.  Let’s just say I’m not exactly dominating the 35 aspirations I set out to do this year.  Realistically, I knew most wouldn’t be possible until the 2^nd half of 2012 after I had been training for several months, but I’m starting to get a bit nervous about my likely grade.  As a reminder, here is the scorecard I created at the beginning based on how many of the 35 I achieve this year:

·         < 15 out of 35 aspirations completed = F

·         15-18 = D

·         19-23 = C

·         24-26 = B

·         27-29 =  A

·         30 or higher =  Greek God

I’m scared.  There is a reasonable chance I’m heading for an F.  If I fail, it could dramatically impact my credibility when trying to convince people I’m actually a Greek God.

So, what do you do when things aren’t going your way?  Make the goals easier?  No way, not an option.  Train harder?  Check.  I’ve already started stepping it up. 

But what else can I do? 

I’ve got it…use smoke and mirrors to change the subject!  Throughout history, diversion has always been a great strategy.  All I need is some news that could possibly be big enough to get people to look the other way from my lack of progress to date…hmmmmm.  Any ideas?

You guessed it…we’re expecting our first child…a BABY BOY!

You can call it a miracle or a gift from God.  In the language of Schmeis35for35 though, I call it extra credit…the 36^th of 35 goals…the most important aspiration of them all! 

Sue and I got married in November 14, 2009 and we’re expecting our first baby in September, 2012.  I always talked with Sue about wanting to be married for 2 years before starting a family.  Well, a quick back of the envelope calculation and you realize I nailed it…no pun intended.

I think even Isaac Newton, Euclid, and Pythagoras (the only 3 mathematicians I can name) would be impressed with the precision of the timing. 

This weekend, Sue and I were talking about how much our life has changed in the last few years since moving from NYC to NC.  We gave up some late nights partying for some early morning yard work.  We gave up every restaurant imaginable for very few food options.  We gave up life in the fast lane for watching lawn mowers race around bales of hay…no really, that apparently exists here.  Check out this video I took this Saturday while walking around at our town fair. 

How hilarious is that?  I’m pretty sure watching riding lawn mowers race against each other qualifies nicely for Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck when…”

As you can tell, we made a lot of tradeoffs with the move South.  But you know what?  I gained an area to live that has incredible college sports (Duke, UNC, NC State), great golf courses, awesome weather, very cheap cost of living, the nation’s best public schools, and a place to raise a family that seems tough to beat.  Maybe Sue and I moved a year or 2 early from NYC but the expectation of our first family addition is making us remember all the amazing reasons we chose NC to begin with. 

Now for the big question…what’s his name going to be?  Well, I obviously can’t tell you that yet but I can tell you Sue and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on the whole naming thing.  For that reason, I have put together a set of guiding principles I think are full proof when it comes to naming a baby.  Honestly, I can’t see how anyone can argue with these.  I’m obviously very flexible with names as long as they follow/keep in mind these specific 11 principles/points…

1   1.   Naming a baby is not a creative writing contest.  If you think you’re cool for naming your baby something nobody has ever heard, you’re not…you’re an idiot.  I would also argue you’re selfish and doing it more for yourself than the baby.

2.  Unless you have a very short last name, the first name must be shorter than 6 letters and have at most 2 syllables.  Schmeiser is already 9 letters so I don’t want my kid having to spend his life taking forever to write his name or fill in those freaking bubble sheets letter-by-letter.  He will thank me for this someday.

3    3.  The name should not mislead people with respect to the baby’s ethnicity.  Every Seinfeld fan knows about the Donna Chang episode…basically, Jerry was very excited to go out with this woman named Donna Chang and then very disappointed when he found out it was a white woman that happened to have the last name Chang…he felt that was false advertising.  Here was the brilliant exchange he had with Elaine over the whole thing:

            Elaine: Donna Chang?

Jerry: I should have talked to her. I love Chinese women.

Elaine: Isn't that a little racist?

Jerry: If I like their race, how can that be racist?
------------------------------------------------

Elaine: She's not Chinese?

Jerry: No, not Chinese. Not even Asian!

Elaine: So what is she?

Jerry: Well, she's...like you.

Elaine: ...Oh, how disappointed you must have been.

I tell this to Sue every time she tells me she likes the name “Graciela.”  I feel the need to point out, as Jerry would, the baby has no Hispanic heritage so this seems a bit misleading and therefore in violation of the principle. 

4    4.  Having a name that is somewhat different is cool, but it can’t look like you’re trying too hard.  I don’t mean to suggest from #1 that the name has to be very common, I just don’t think you should name your child after some random star in the sky.

5    5.  The name should look good on a resume, but have street cred in any neighborhood.  Look, I read Freakonomics.  I see the importance of not giving your child a name that brings up bad stereotypes, but I’m worried about street cred as well.  I mean, no offense to anyone named Addison, but if you’re not planning on growing up on a sail boat and wearing whale pants, your name alone is likely to get you punched in the face in most parts of the country.  I do not want my child to be punched in the face and therefore, will not name my child Addison.  See the logic here?

6    6.  Anyone you know with the name should be very nice and cool…basically, the name should conjure good vibes.  Obviously, nobody wants the same name as a serial killer but you also don’t want to use the name of someone your friends and family all would recognize and agree is a D-bag…you know, like Lebron or Kobe.

7    7.  Do not give your child a first name and then call him by his middle name.  Mom and Dad, I’m looking at you on this one.  Naming me Robert was great.  Grandpa, I love you and think it’s an honor to have your name.  I just don’t know why then I’ve been called by my middle name of Michael my whole life.  I realize it was difficult to predict 9/11 but the amount of time I’ve spent arguing with security why my names on different IDs don’t match is probably enough to put me on a terrorist watch list.

8    8.   If Microsoft Word tries to correct the spelling of the name, it isn’t good.  In this year’s NFL draft, a linebacker from Alabama got drafted in the first round.  His name was Dont’a Hightower.  Microsoft won’t even let you type it without trying to make it “don’t.”  Now, I don’t mind “Dante” as a name.   You know, like “Dante’s inferno.”  But Dont’a?  I can’t imagine how often Mr. Hightower must have to correct people on the spelling.  Thankfully for him, he now has millions so he’s probably ok with it. 


    9.  Never have a first name that ends with how the last name begins.  As an example, Matt Thomas may seem fine but it is tricky to say since the first name runs into the last name.  This will lead to a life of the child having to slow down and repeat their name millions of times to others.

10.  The name should remove all ambiguity as to the sex of the baby.  I have multiple friends named Pat, but after Saturday Night Live’s Pat skit, I have ruled this out as a possibility.

11.  Do not use a name that easily rhymes with bad words or would be easy for a kid to make fun of.  Let’s take “Tiny Richard Schmeiser” as an example.  Not a good idea.  Also avoid initials leading to obvious trouble.  “Adam Sam Schmeiser” probably not a good choice either.

I think that does it.  Is that too much to ask?  I’m sure we’ll settle on a name soon that somehow is at the intersection of all 11 of my completely reasonable rules.  No problem.

All ridiculousness aside, I honestly can’t wait to be a father.  I can’t think of anything that will give me more pride and joy.  My life has changed a lot over the last 2 years and I’m anxious to take the next step in 4 months when our baby boy arrives.    

And with tears of laughter and joy rolling down your cheeks, I’m quite certain I successfully made you forget about my measly 5 Schmeis35for35 goals I’ve accomplished so far this year.

Schmeis